so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
