Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
