i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize