You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
