You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
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