Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
My vagina is officially offended.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
