mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Drunk is a universal language darling
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
