my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
