Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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