the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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