if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
