I heard we made out
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
