She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
