There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
