you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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