Sober January is a disaster.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
