How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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