my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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