So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
