I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
