I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
