i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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