I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
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