You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
