i just sent this text using only my big toe
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I intend to get homeless drunk
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
