the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You ruined the universe
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
