Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
foreskin is a definite game changer
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
