i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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