One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
