I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
