A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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