I've blown a few things in my day
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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