Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
