I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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