She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
