i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
