while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
