i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
In other news, I just burned my penis
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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