Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
