so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
