So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
