If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
