thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Less talking, more tequila
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
