So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
