so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
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