I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
