life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
