i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
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