Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Randomize
