and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
We don't watch enough power rangers
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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