You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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