He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Randomize
