I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
