I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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