My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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