I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
