my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
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Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
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My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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