I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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