His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
