Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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