Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
